It’s natural to feel surprised, helpless and even speechless when you learn a family member or friend has been diagnosed with cancer. What’s the right thing to say? What’s the wrong thing to say? How can you be supportive? What actions can you take to help them?

According to the American Cancer Society, the most important thing you can do is listen. “Try to hear and understand how they feel,” the nonprofit organization advises. “Don’t make light of, judge or try to change the way the person feels or acts.”

During those early conversations, be sure to focus on them, and their feelings—and not you and yours. If you need support yourself, look for peer groups online or in your community, or consider talking to a therapist about what you’re going through.

Here’s a list of dos and don’ts to guide you.

Do

Do reach out and let the person know you care about them and are there for them. If you don’t know what to say, it’s alright to state that; in fact, it could ease the tension. Just make sure you say something, and don’t give into the perceived awkwardness.  

Do ask how you can help. Follow that offer up with specific tasks you could do, such as running errands, driving them to appointments, watching their kids, dropping off meals or other duties that might make a difference.

Do follow their lead in talking about their diagnosis and treatment. When they’re dealing with intense emotions, whether it’s fear, sadness, anger or anything else, allow them to vent. Let them know that it’s OK for them to let it out when talking to you, they don’t need to sugarcoat their feelings.  

Do grant them grace. Understand that they are juggling a lot right now, and that’s going to inevitably impact their mood and their availability. Be understanding, patient and available for them when they need you.

Do volunteer to be the point person who can update friends and family as needed. That way, you can keep in touch and let people know what specific things they can do to help.

Do consider using these phrases to show your love and support, as conversation starters:

• “I don’t know what to say right now but I want you to know I’m here for you.”
• “I’d like to make you dinner this week, is there a night that’s good for me to drop it off? Is there anything that sounds good or doesn’t sound good?”
• “I’m happy to drive you to your appointments. Do you have any coming up that I could help with?”
• “I can’t imagine how you feel.”
• “I’m here if you want to talk.”

Do take actions that will help you keep them healthy, such as getting vaccinated and washing your hands frequently to avoid spreading germs. People with cancer may have weakened immune systems because of their treatments, so it’s important to practice good health habits and prevent infections, for their sake and yours.

Don’t

Don’t make assumptions about how they feel or what they need. Everybody who is diagnosed with cancer endures something different. Even if you’ve had cancer yourself, avoid saying things like “I know how you feel.” Instead, ask questions, listen to what they need and let them know you’re there.

Don’t tell them everything will be OK or say things like “you got this.” They’re grappling with complex emotions, along with questions about their health and their future, concerns about treatments and so much more. To focus only on positive thoughts can come across as though you’re minimizing a person’s experiences and may signal that you’re not open to hearing about the good, the bad and the ugly.

Don’t offer advice when it comes to their treatments or their health. Unless you are their medical doctor, they don’t need to hear health-related news from you. That includes suggestions about medical management as well as diet, exercise, supplements and anything else related to their condition, or cancer in general.

Don’t forget about the caregivers. They, too, are navigating a new world and a lot of unknowns. Connect with them and check in. Ask if you can help with regular tasks, like helping with childcare or pet care, transportation to appointments, grocery runs or other duties.   

Don’t grill them about the cancer they have, or what could have caused it. Certain cancers, such as lung cancer, have stigmas attached to them. Avoid asking your loved one questions about how they might have gotten the cancer (such as “did you smoke?”), or what stage the cancer is. Instead, focus on how they’re feeling now and what they need.

Don’t take it personally if they cancel plans or don’t respond quickly to emails, phone calls or messages. Odds are, it’s not about you. They’re dealing with a lot of things you may not even know about and doing the best they can.

Don’t stop reaching out. When people first learn about a loved one’s cancer diagnosis there tends to be a flood of outreach and offers to help. Be sure to keep the communication going. A cancer diagnosis can profoundly change the way a person thinks and the choices they make. They’ll need your support, especially as time wears on.