It’s tough to know what to say or do when anyone gets a cancer diagnosis, but when it’s a child suffering, the situation feels especially cruel.

Every year, nearly 10,000 children in this country are diagnosed with cancer, and more than 1,000 may die, according to the National Cancer Institute. Their parents often need the help of friends and acquaintances, but they don’t know how to ask, or they don’t have the presence of mind to reach out.

That’s where you come in.

September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. It’s a good time to learn about the impact of pediatric cancer, which remains one of the leading causes of death among children. If you have friends or family members who are going through cancer treatment, it’s also always a good time to offer support, even if you don’t know the appropriate way to reach out. Here are some ideas on how you move past the awkwardness and find ways to help out.  

Do let them know you’re thinking about them. If you know someone whose child has cancer, their world has been turned upside down. Find gentle and unobtrusive ways to let them know you’re there for them, whether it’s via regular texting, phone calls or even personalized cards in the mail. As time goes by, continue to check in. Many families receive an overwhelming amount of support in the early days, but it may wane as time—and treatments—go on.

Do respect their boundaries. Don’t take it personally if you don’t hear back quickly from your friend, or if they request privacy and quiet time. People all process things in their own way and It’s important that you respect their feelings, wishes and boundaries, and make yourself available when they need you.

Do offer to help in specific ways. Asking a family an open-ended question such as “How can I help?” can sometimes be taxing on the family. It puts the work on them to delegate tasks, and it’s often easier to simply decline assistance than assigning duties. Instead, be a good listener and observer and hone in on opportunities to step up, or ask if you can help in specific ways. Drop off a home-cooked meal, or order delivery from their favorite restaurant. Mow their lawn. Walk the dog or offer to pet sit. Ask if you can drive them to and from the hospital. If they’re spending lots of time at a medical center, ask what items they might need that you could drop off. If it’s appropriate, ask if they’d like you to be the point-person who coordinates with other friends to help out. Or, if someone else is the point person, ask what you can do to help.

Do educate yourself about cancer, cancer treatments and cancer support. If you’re trying to understand what a family is going through, take it on yourself to seek out trusted sources (such as the American Childhood Cancer Organization, National Cancer Institute, American Cancer Society) and do some reading. These sites may also offer advice on what to say and do to help a family with cancer.  

Do donate resources if it’s appropriate. If a family has established a fundraiser to help cover their own medical expenses, or if they’re helping to raise funds for a cancer-centered non-profit, donate if you can. Also, consider other kinds of donations that might help you feel empowered, such as donating blood, donating bone marrow and donating your time to volunteer at a cancer organization. 

Don’t avoid reaching out because you don’t know what to say. Struggling to find the right words is normal. And it’s ok to acknowledge that. It’s better to say you don’t know what to say than to not say anything at all. The American Cancer Society suggests phrases such as “I’m not sure what to say, but I want you to know I care;” “I’m sorry to hear that you are going through this;” “If you would like to talk about it, I’m here;” “I’ll keep you in my thoughts;” and simply “How are you doing?” If your sentiments are honest, open and loving, you’ll find the right words to communicate.

Don’t forget the siblings. Cancer impacts the entire family. Often, parents are so focused on the child who is sick that their brothers and sisters might feel left out. Ask if there are ways that you can help out with the other kids, whether that means driving them to school or sports practice, or taking them out for a special meal or a day of fun. Find a way to try and help them forget their worries for a bit, and feel like kids again. 

Don’t offer unsolicited advice. Even if your heart is in the right place, keep mum. The family is likely getting all of the advice they need from their doctors and other family members. On the other hand, if someone asks you for your advice, then it’s fair game.

Don’t gloss over the situation with false positivity. Just as there are right things to say to a family dealing with childhood cancer, there are also things to avoid saying. Children’s Health, which is a pediatric healthcare system in North Texas, lists the following phrases as examples of what to avoid: “Everything happens for a reason;” “I know exactly how you feel;” “I don’t know how you do it, I could never handle this;” and “It will all be ok.”

Don’t meet up with the family if you’re sick, or even think you might be getting sick. Cancer and cancer treatments can cause changes to the immune system. That means that a person with cancer may face a higher risk of becoming ill from different viruses and bacteria. It’s important to keep the child and the rest of their family safe from other contagious illnesses as much as possible. If you’re feeling sick, or you’ve been around sick people, avoid any in-person meet-ups with people who are fighting cancer.

The bottom line is this: your friends are going through a tough time and they could use all the support they can get. Reach out and let them know you’re here. Listen to their experiences and their fears, and identify specific ways to help. Even the smallest gestures can make a big difference.