It seems so simple. So obvious.

When you need help, just … ask.

But asking for help isn’t always comfortable. You might feel like you shouldn’t need it. Or that it reflects poorly on you somehow. Or that you’re burdening others with your (perceived) shortcomings.

In truth, you deserve support. No person is an island. We all rely on others from time to time. And that’s OK.

But how do you ask for help? Who do you ask? And why isn’t it as easy as raising your hand and speaking up?

Psychotherapist Amy Brodsky, LISW-S, explains what gets in the way of us asking for (and accepting) help. And offers advice to get the support you’re looking for.

Why we don’t like to ask for help

For some people, asking for help is no big deal. They simply open their mouth and say the words.

For others, it’s intensely uncomfortable. Even painful. And anxiety-provoking.

Why?

“There’s an unspoken admission when we ask for help that we can’t do something — or that we can’t do it right,” Brodsky acknowledges. “In some cases, we might feel that, societally, there are expectations of what’s our responsibility to do. But that responsibility might not fit with our skill set or fit with what we want to do or have the capacity to do. So, asking for help and worrying that someone might judge us negatively can feel very vulnerable.”

Asking for help can feel like you’re failing (or at least flailing). That you’re not living up to the standards that have been laid out for you — whether by others or by yourself. And that can feel deeply troubling.

Needing help can set off an internal dialogue that reinforces negative self-talk that can rock you to your core:

• I’m not going to meet this deadline on my own. But if I tell my boss that, they’re going to know I’m not as talented as they thought I was.
• I’m losing control of my kids. And it’s all my fault.
• I’m not feeling like myself anymore. Getting through the day is tougher and tougher. It might be time for therapy. But how do I reach out without admitting that I’m not strong enough to manage my own life?

And so on and so on.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

Research even suggests that people are more likely willing to help than you might expect. And that we overestimate the burden we’re placing on others. Along with underestimating their capacity to give us a helping hand.

Asking for help: A how-to guide

Help may be easier for some people to come by than for others. If you don’t have a strong support system or much in the way of flexibility in your life, it can be even harder to know who to ask for help … let alone how.

That said, there are ways to get support. But there are a few ground rules to follow. When you’re asking for help, think about:

• What you’re asking for
• Who can help you
• Why it matters to you
• How they can help you

And be specific in your request.

Brodsky shares advice to start the conversation.

Asking for help at work

If the idea of walking up to your boss and sharing that you can’t do something sounds scary, you’re not alone. In some cases, it can be downright risky.

It’s normal to want to be good at our jobs. And it’s common to want to hide if you’re burning out. Or that you don’t think you’re up to the task that’s been assigned to you.

Call it imposter syndrome. Call it perfectionism. Call it a toxic work environment. Whatever the reason, it can feel dangerous to ask for help on the job.

But there are ways to frame the conversation to make it easier to lay out the problem at hand. And find a solution.

“It can help to have a conversation along the lines of, I’m looking for ways to be more efficient and effective. Can you suggest which of these tasks should be my priority? Or, Things are very busy right now. What tools or technology are available to help streamline this work?” Brodsky suggests.

Focusing the “ask” as an effort to better complete the work can feel less threatening than asking point-blank for help. And it frames the conversation as a business need, rather than a personal weakness.

Know, too, that help doesn’t necessarily have to come from the people who are above you in the organizational chart. Your colleagues may be able to offer up some guidance, too.

A conversation might go something like, You seem to always get X task done really quickly. Can you share your approach?

Asking for help around the house

There’s a certain school of thought that says that relationships should be 50-50. That the give-and-take between people in a committed relationship, friendship, roommate-ship and so on, should be even.

That works for some households. It doesn’t work in others.

Sometimes, one partner has more time, energy or inclination to take care of a larger share of household tasks. If that works for you both, that’s OK.

It’s not about keeping score. That’s a game everyone loses.

“If you have a partner who has difficulty going up and down the stairs, they may be doing fewer up-and-down-the-stairs chores. It may not look like equal, but it might be equitable. Maybe they’re the one who’s helping the kids with their homework or arranging doctors’ appointments or scheduling things,” Brodsky notes.

Recognizing each other’s strengths and limitations is one way to broach the conversation. And infinitely more productive than the ol’, “I do everything around here,” routine.

No matter if you’ve lived together for a few months or have been married for decades, expecting people to read your mind or respond to unspoken needs is a recipe for not having your needs met. Huffing, puffing, eye-rolling and under-the-breath muttering aren’t the answer.

When you ask for help around the house, do it out loud. Using specifics.

“I think about handing our needs to our partner on a silver platter,” Brodsky shares. “This is what I need, and this is how you can fill that need. It’s not enough to say, I feel overwhelmed by the amount of housework I have.

“Instead try, I feel very overwhelmed at the amount of housework we have. I’m wondering if you can help by doing the sweeping because I find that I always let that chore go because I really hate to do it. Can you pick up the sweeping and do it on such and such days?”

Of course, you might substitute “sweeping” with packing lunches, scrubbing the shower, managing the finances or whatever the task may be.

Consider these tips:

• Approach it as a conversation, not a demand or criticism.
• Recognize there may be some tasks that neither of you are keen to do. And make a plan for sharing those.
• Keep the door open to further changes to the plan. Just because one partner takes responsibility for something doesn’t mean it needs to be a lifelong commitment.
• Consider whether some household tasks can be hired out, like getting a cleaning service or yard maintenance service. That can lessen everyone’s load if it’s an option.
• If you have children in the house, don’t leave them out. Age-appropriate chores can benefit them and the whole family.

Acknowledge, too, that when you accept help, it might not get done your way. But it’ll get done at least.

Asking for help with your mental health

Seeking mental health care can feel monumental. But in truth, it’s a choice that people make every day. Some polls show that nearly 20% of people in America seek mental health treatment in a year.

But making that call can be a challenge. You might feel it’s a sign that you’re not as “strong” as you thought you were. Or that you want people to think you are.

But what if you turned that thought around? And considered that asking for help is a sign that you’re strong enough to choose a healthier, happier life?

If you feel unsafe with yourself or toward others, seek emergency mental health services by calling or texting 988 in the United States or start a 988 chat.

For non-emergency mental health services, Brodsky suggests considering these signs that it’s time:

• You’ve experienced panic attacks.
• You’re losing sleep.
• You feel sick to your stomach or have headaches regularly.
• You’re more tearful than usual.
• You’re getting into more arguments than you used to.
• You’re feeling irritable.
• Your relationships are strained.
• You’re eating more than usual or less than usual.
• You’re finding it difficult to get out of bed each day.
• People have suggested that they’re concerned or worried for you.

If the idea of cold-calling a mental health office stops you in your tracks, consider other ways to connect with someone who can help:

• Talk with a primary care physician or other health professional that you trust.
• Ask friends, family and people in your social network if they have a recommendation.
• Search the psychologytoday.com database.

If you’re not sure if you’re ready to engage with a mental health professional but are interested in help with your emotional, mental and spiritual well-being, you may also find comfort in support groups or religious communities.

Asking for help doesn’t come naturally to everyone. But know that it’s not a mark against you. It takes courage to speak up for yourself. And it’s worth it.

This article was written by Cleveland Clinic Health Essentials (editorial@ccf.org) from Cleveland Clinic and was legally licensed through the DiveMarketplace by Industry Dive. Please direct all licensing questions to legal@industrydive.com.