While many people vow to take their partner “in sickness and in health,” few truly plan on becoming a caregiver. So it may come as a surprise when a person in a relationship becomes ill or injured and the dynamic shifts. As one party takes on more responsibilities and the other learns to accept their limitations—and accept help—there may be stress, strain and feelings of grief and guilt for both partners, as they transition from their previous roles and learn how to navigate the new normal.
While these changes aren’t easy, there are steps you can take to help with the evolution. From opening the lines of communication to seeking help outside the home, read on for eight tips to build a better caregiver-patient relationship.
- Understand your feelings are normal, and help is available. Whether you’ve become the caregiver, or you’re the one dependent on the caregiver, expect a whirlwind of emotions. You may be grieving what’s been lost mentally, physically and emotionally. You may be angry about the turn of events that led to where you are. You may feel guilty about your new role, or about what you’re thinking and feeling. You may be sad or even depressed about the future. At the same time, you may be grateful for all that you have, and happy that you have one another. While these are all normal emotions, they can be difficult to process and navigate. Consider talking to a professional about what you’re going through. A psychologist or counselor could provide you with an important outlet to discuss your feelings, and offer tips and tools on how to manage stress and communication. In addition, a couples counselor could be invaluable in helping you and your partner learn to accept and define your new roles and work together moving forward. To find help, use Blue Cross Blue Shield of Alabama’s Guided Search for Mental Health tool.
- Educate yourself on caregiver burnout. The Cleveland Clinic describes caregiver burnout as “a state of physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion,” and goes on to say that “stressed caregivers may experience fatigue, anxiety and depression.” Caregiver burnout can happen because of the exhausting toll that caring for another person can take; it can also occur because of the impossible expectations a caregiver places on themselves, which take away from their own pleasure and enjoyment. Knowing that caregiver burnout is a risk is a positive step. It’s also important to take proactive steps to avoid it.
- Keep talking. Both of you are stepping into new territory in the relationship, and it’s better to talk with one another about what you’re experiencing versus isolating and adapting alone. Ask each other how you’re feeling, and be empathetic as you listen. Use “I” statements when talking, rather than “you.” (For example, rather than saying “You don’t talk to me,” say, “I miss our regular conversations.”). Give one another positive feedback and support. And be open about challenges you’re experiencing, or aspects of the relationships you’d like to work on. Right now, both of you are in vulnerable positions. That presents a good opportunity to improve the way you communicate, and you may find that with a little work, you feel closer than ever before.
- Make time for quality time together. With a caregiving dynamic, you may see your partner constantly throughout the day as you tend to their needs. But it’s also important to plan time together doing something you both enjoy. Each week, plan a “date” night, and alternate who-picks-what with your partner. Activities could run the gamut: you could enroll in a class together (online or in-person, depending on accessibility), work on a craft, listen to your favorite albums, do puzzles, try new recipes, scroll through old photos, watch movies, plan a “spa” experience or anything else that suits you.
- Find support. For many caregivers, loneliness and isolation can be a problem. After all, your world has changed and it’s not as easy as it once was to meet up with friends for dinner or coffee. Just remember that friends—and laughter—are as important as ever. Keep in communication with those who have been near and dear to you, and lean on them when possible. Also, search for support groups in your community and online. Connecting with others who are going through similar transitions can be a lifeline. These new connections may be able to offer advice, or simply lend an empathetic ear when you need it.
- Take care of yourself. Remember the caregiver burnout mentioned earlier? One way to keep that at bay is to prioritize self-care. That doesn’t have to mean bubble baths and massages (although, it can if that’s something you love!). Rather, it means taking steps to maintain your mental and physical health, like being active, getting enough sleep, eating healthy foods, going to your own doctor’s appointments, drinking enough water and finding ways to relieve stress. When you’re healthy, you and your partner both benefit.
- Talk to your other family members. While the primary care duties may fall to you, it’s important to keep other family members in the loop so that they don’t feel left out (and so you don’t burn out). Perhaps there are tasks that you could delegate to children or siblings. Or maybe you can create a rotating schedule so that they can spend time with your partner and give you a break. When you’re feeling overwhelmed, be open with your family so that they have an opportunity to step up.
- Look for the silver linings. As your relationship changes, there may be aspects of it to mourn. But there also may be new chapters to celebrate. Many caregivers find a sense of fulfillment in their role. And those being cared for may find a new level of respect, love and gratitude for their care partner. In many ways, both of these positions are privileges that can lead to an even deeper relationship, as you make lasting, loving memories in this new stage of life.
You may not have asked to be the caregiver or the cared-for person, but that’s ok. Relationships are ever-evolving entities. And when they’re based on love, respect and compassion, they can shift and shape in remarkable ways. As you weather these changes, just remember that you’re not alone. A healthcare professional—whether it’s your primary care provider or a mental health therapist—can help you navigate the ups and downs as you both find your way, together.
